toddler tantrums are normal, right?

I had to run a few errands today after work. I thought it would be fun to take Emmy with me. (Why do I continue to think that!?)

She had a long day at daycare and because her lame mother forgot to pack another spare outfit, her teachers had to dig up her old spare which happened to be a 9-month size. She's in 18 months now. It was a bit tight. She was hot and tired but I dragged her to the car wash and then Staples for a few supplies. 

Ever since Emmy learned to walk, holding her has been pretty impossible. I let her walk the aisle while I shopped pens (I have a pen problem) and tracked her down just before she attempted to walk up one of those tall, "employee only" stock ladders of death. One point for mom. 

Every time I picked her up, she fought and wiggled until I let her down and she would jet off towards the back of the store. All the pens, the perfectly smooth paper, bright post-its and clitchy office decor kept distracting me so I would let her just barely out of sight. The store was mostly empty but I would jog after her, pick her up and well... repeat. 

After maybe 10 minutes, I decided to check out. As I was waiting in line, she managed to pull down crackers, pens and gum so I was back to holding my wiggly child, purse, and loot. As we checked out she started making weird growling noises and tried to press all the buttons on the card payment thing. If I told her "No" she'd withdraw her hands and growl again. I looked up to the cashier to apologize and she was making a disapproving face to the cashier behind me. Like, "this kid is bad and this mother is negligent". I smiled and said, "she's had a long day and she's wearing 2 sizes too small to boot! ha ha" and... nothing.

As we walked out, Emmy waived goodbye to the cashier who didn't waive back. This was the first time someone wasn't adoring her, telling me how sweet and pretty she is, and interacting with her directly. I don't blame the cashier, she clearly doesn't have kids and she doesn't understand how their moods change without having learned social discipline to hide it. 

What this made me think about was how many times I saw kids behaving badly and quickly decided that the parents were too lenient. Sometimes, I'm sure they were but parenting is harder than I thought it would be. 

I haven't spanked Emmy yet. Honestly, I'm afraid to. 

I can't bare the look of hurt in her eyes. I don't want her to fear me yet. Maybe that's selfish. I know how important it is to teach her how to behave. My parents spanked me and I know there were many times the fear of their discipline reinforced my choice to do right over wrong. Does Emmy know right and wrong yet? I think she knows more than we give her credit for. 

When she acts out, hits us, screams, or throws something we tell her NO. Sometimes she cries, sometimes she laughs and occasionally she just walks away. We tried "time out" after she attempted to bite Joe and she laughed and played in her chair. We felt dooped. It was also a little scary seeing our perfect, sweet little girl doing something mean. 

I know that this is normal, I know that we can teach her to behave when she is frustrated or bored. It's just.. I guess we are really parents now. My babysitting days are over. 

not the babysitter anymore

When I babysat I spent my time playing with the kids, laughing, breaking a few rules then busting it to get the house clean before the parents got home. I was always exhausted but I loved it. I figured that's what it would be like when I had kids. Most of the time it is, but now I'm responsible for discipline too. I'm confident we can handle raising a respectful child but my goodness, the challenge for me is surprisingly, myself. I have a great relationship with my mom now but there was a time when we fought a lot. I give credit to our close relationship now to our ability to communicate. She tells me her thoughts, I tell her mine, and we listen to each other.  Sometimes, we disagree, but we respect each other and we try not to hurt each other's feelings.

This is hard to do with a one-year-old but I know what she wants. The other day, I actually hurt her feelings. I bought some organic, whole grain kid-sized chicken nuggets. She is fighting people food so hard and I was excited for her to taste it. I cut it up in small pieces, handed them to her and smiled with excitement until she started throwing them to the dog. WITHOUT TASTING IT FIRST. 

I told her NO. I shook my head and blocked her hand so she couldn't toss them. She looked me right in the eye and screamed. I was pissed. I took a little one and pushed it into her mouth. BIG mistake. She started crying and held her hands up for me to hold her. I could tell that I had hurt her feelings. I turned away and finished cooking her side dish. I didn't want to console her for bad behavior but I knew what I did was wrong, too. I disrespected her decision not to eat.

Most of the time I am patient with her, allowing her to explore her boundaries (and the fridge), keeping an eye on her to prevent her from getting hurt. She has a sweet and happy heart. Sometimes when she does something I think is bad (like feed the dog), I let it go because she giggles and her laughter makes me and Joe so happy. There is nothing more important than that, so we'll have a fat dog for a while. We still tell her no but we don't get angry.  She has time to learn the rules and if she doesn't we'll just feed her less until she decides she doesn't want to share what she has.

If I am learning anything in my first year of motherhood, it's that everything has a way of working itself out. You don't have to be a perfect mom, you don't have to do anything you don't feel is right, you don't even have to listen to your friend's or parent's advice on how they raised their kid. If you love your child and you trust your instincts, you will be a good mom and your kid will be good too. 

Everything I think I have learned with Emmy might be different the next time around, and I should warn my friends about that. I love to give advice and I cherish any I get from friends. But sometimes I get advice and I think, "nope, not how we do it". I trust my instincts, and Joe and I know Emmy better than anyone. We know how her little heart is so full of joy and her behavior, progress, and health are ours to monitor.

***

Oh, and here's a piece of useful, non-judgmental advice!

This is how I learned to teach Emmy how to use a straw... I thought this was instinctual like bottle sucking. I put a straw in Emmy's mouth and she bit it then laughed. She pulled it out and water went everywhere - more laughing. I kept introducing the straw but she always just chewed on it! One day at my mom's house we gave her a juice box. I squeezed the box while the straw was in her mouth and then she instinctively began to suck. She was so excited I decided to let her hold the box, which she then death-squeezed and the juice went everywhere.