perfection isn't real

One thing about marriage that still surprises me is how hard it is for two independent, unique individuals to live together. Joe is my best friend, I want to spend the rest of my life with him and be happy together all the time. The problem is how living isn't just relaxing with a glass of wine, laughing about our kid, our friends, and discussing the news and work. 

We do relax and talk, but life is making dinner, cleaning up after dinner, bathing, television, laundry, planning, packing, organizing sock drawers, changing sheets and mopping floors. Life is negotiating schedules and making decisions about how to spend our weekends; which side of the family to see and which group of friends to spend time with. It's a great problem to have, to be pulled by many people we love. Emmy has been so much fun lately, so spirited and entertaining. I can't wait to share her with people. 

But the responsibilities literally build up on my shoulders. They get heavy, my back hurts, I want to cry but instead I get pissed, exhausted, and like an animal my head turns to look at my husband with fearsome eyes, he is my next meal. This is all his fault.

I wait until he messes up. Suddenly, I shout at him for saying "I forgot.." for the one hundredth time. I get so mad that he can't remember anything I ask him to do. I bang around the dishes in a dramatic way to point out that he didn't put them up the way we had agreed the last time they all fell out of the cabinet. I make irrational rules like "you can't go do that with your friend because it's no eating out week.". I throw his laundry on the floor in the hallway because he ignored my pleas for him to put them up for a week. He offers to make dinner then follows it with "what should I make? How do I make that? Where is the chicken and how do I put olive oil in a pan?". My eyes are hateful little snake slits at this point, I snatch the pot out of his hands and yell at him to get out of the kitchen. 

Joe is a great guy, he is kind and he is a loving father to Emmy. He's human and he makes mistakes and when I'm not angry, I can look back and see the crazed look in my eyes and know that I over-reacted. A few times, he tried to be crazier than me, over-react to my over-reaction to make me cower down. That didn't work out so well. We are still learning to communicate our fights with calmer voices. The key, of course, to any problem is that both parties agree that change is due and they must both actually want to change. I have to admit that I take out my frustration on Joe (and the pots & pans) and he has to admit that he is a little too carefree and forgetful. We usually agree to change our behavior... until a few months later when it all happens again. 

 My mom and my sister and I are amazingly alike. We could do everything and run the world and nothing is impossible and we never forget anything. My mom used to say, "I am woman, hear my roar!!" We bring home the bacon - and then we cook it. We try to be perfect. And, inevitably, we make a mistake. We burn the bread, we make a bad judgment call or miss an appointment. Our world comes crashing down and we get so mad at ourselves. We have failed or disappointed someone and by golly, heads will roll. This is my problem. Trying to do it all and do it perfectly and then letting rage take over when I'm overwhelmed. I think my mom taught us this and I am both proud and ashamed of how that pride has made me so strong and yet, a little... mean. (Mom, you know I love you, and you know it's true). 

I read in a study that 40% of women are now the main bread winners for their household. Yet that same study said women do 70% of household chores. I'm not a feminist but that shit ain't right. I think it boils down to women not raising boys to do household chores. My mom taught me to do the dishes, weekly laundry and how to cook. My dad taught me how to fix things, how to think creatively to fix a problem and not to be afraid of tools. I was also raised to speak my mind which made one job end on bad terms and this job the most amazing relationship with a boss I will likely ever have in my career. 

I want Emmy to know how to do everything and be eager to work hard, to be unafraid when faced with a problem but to also know how to stand up for herself when she is pushed too hard. If I have a son, I will teach him exactly the same thing. In this modern world, equality is key.  I will support my daughter if she decides to stay at home and raise her kids, I will support her if she decides to work or if she decides to love women. I will even support her if she decides not to have kids at all (yikes! please want children!).  Most importantly, I want her to see that she is not perfect because perfection isn't real. I am trying to learn this for myself, to be brave enough to admit when I'm wrong and accept it and to trust that my husband will try to be better yet accept him for who he is; forgetful at times but the sweetest guy I know.

making the marriage thing work

There are a lot of blogs that talk about families.

I started this blog to keep a scrapbook/memento of my first child. It's fun to write about her milestones, how she makes me so happy and how fun it is to be a mom. 

What I've noticed is that nobody talks about how hard it all is. 

I never wanted to put my personal stuff on the internet. I only talk about my relationship with my husband with close friends and select family. The thing I wonder is, if more of us talked about the difficulty of marriage, would we not find that we are all having the same problems? Isn't a good marriage worth working at? Worth countless compromises, talks, and negotiations? 

My husband is my best friend and we spent the first 7 years of our relationship being affectionately selfish little kids. Doing what we wanted with or without each other and having lots of fun. Enter baby. She might be the best kid in the world but we can't be selfish anymore. We have responsibilities.

Joe and I started what we call "dealz with the devilz" (which must be said in a ridiculous gollum-like voice) to start a conversation about wheeling and dealing responsibilities. Who is going to feed Emmy, bathe her, change her diaper, put her to bed, wake her up, play with her (you get the idea). We sometimes miss our "me" time so we try to make deals so that one of us gets to watch tv or surf the internet while the other one gives Emmy attention. I hear a lot of, "well I did this so you have to do that". I can respond by bringing up money and bills. Argue what's fair based on what I did earlier in the day. We get frustrated because things aren't always working out "fair". 

Our friends are mostly still single or newly-married, without kids. They still have a night life and are kind enough not to write us off just because we have a kid. But you can't find a sitter in less than 24 hours. So one of us has to stay home. We wheel and deal about that too.

It was getting to the point that our marriage was a bargain. 

Everything had a value, a cost and a reward. It was making me sick and I started resenting my husband. I wasn't innocent but how do you stop something like that? 

I am literally asking that question. We have talked about it. We are both unhappy and want to get out of the rut but it's so hard. My mom suggested that we both just give 100% instead of looking for 50. I think that's good advice but I already feel like I've spent 100% by the end of the day. Maybe it will be better when we have Emmy back in daycare full time and I get focused on work. Maybe it will get better when we have more kids and get zero "me" time. Maybe we just need to focus on giving Emmy the most we can so it's not about us at all.

In the end, all that matters is that she is happy and her parents keep working at it, making the marriage thing work.