perfection isn't real

One thing about marriage that still surprises me is how hard it is for two independent, unique individuals to live together. Joe is my best friend, I want to spend the rest of my life with him and be happy together all the time. The problem is how living isn't just relaxing with a glass of wine, laughing about our kid, our friends, and discussing the news and work. 

We do relax and talk, but life is making dinner, cleaning up after dinner, bathing, television, laundry, planning, packing, organizing sock drawers, changing sheets and mopping floors. Life is negotiating schedules and making decisions about how to spend our weekends; which side of the family to see and which group of friends to spend time with. It's a great problem to have, to be pulled by many people we love. Emmy has been so much fun lately, so spirited and entertaining. I can't wait to share her with people. 

But the responsibilities literally build up on my shoulders. They get heavy, my back hurts, I want to cry but instead I get pissed, exhausted, and like an animal my head turns to look at my husband with fearsome eyes, he is my next meal. This is all his fault.

I wait until he messes up. Suddenly, I shout at him for saying "I forgot.." for the one hundredth time. I get so mad that he can't remember anything I ask him to do. I bang around the dishes in a dramatic way to point out that he didn't put them up the way we had agreed the last time they all fell out of the cabinet. I make irrational rules like "you can't go do that with your friend because it's no eating out week.". I throw his laundry on the floor in the hallway because he ignored my pleas for him to put them up for a week. He offers to make dinner then follows it with "what should I make? How do I make that? Where is the chicken and how do I put olive oil in a pan?". My eyes are hateful little snake slits at this point, I snatch the pot out of his hands and yell at him to get out of the kitchen. 

Joe is a great guy, he is kind and he is a loving father to Emmy. He's human and he makes mistakes and when I'm not angry, I can look back and see the crazed look in my eyes and know that I over-reacted. A few times, he tried to be crazier than me, over-react to my over-reaction to make me cower down. That didn't work out so well. We are still learning to communicate our fights with calmer voices. The key, of course, to any problem is that both parties agree that change is due and they must both actually want to change. I have to admit that I take out my frustration on Joe (and the pots & pans) and he has to admit that he is a little too carefree and forgetful. We usually agree to change our behavior... until a few months later when it all happens again. 

 My mom and my sister and I are amazingly alike. We could do everything and run the world and nothing is impossible and we never forget anything. My mom used to say, "I am woman, hear my roar!!" We bring home the bacon - and then we cook it. We try to be perfect. And, inevitably, we make a mistake. We burn the bread, we make a bad judgment call or miss an appointment. Our world comes crashing down and we get so mad at ourselves. We have failed or disappointed someone and by golly, heads will roll. This is my problem. Trying to do it all and do it perfectly and then letting rage take over when I'm overwhelmed. I think my mom taught us this and I am both proud and ashamed of how that pride has made me so strong and yet, a little... mean. (Mom, you know I love you, and you know it's true). 

I read in a study that 40% of women are now the main bread winners for their household. Yet that same study said women do 70% of household chores. I'm not a feminist but that shit ain't right. I think it boils down to women not raising boys to do household chores. My mom taught me to do the dishes, weekly laundry and how to cook. My dad taught me how to fix things, how to think creatively to fix a problem and not to be afraid of tools. I was also raised to speak my mind which made one job end on bad terms and this job the most amazing relationship with a boss I will likely ever have in my career. 

I want Emmy to know how to do everything and be eager to work hard, to be unafraid when faced with a problem but to also know how to stand up for herself when she is pushed too hard. If I have a son, I will teach him exactly the same thing. In this modern world, equality is key.  I will support my daughter if she decides to stay at home and raise her kids, I will support her if she decides to work or if she decides to love women. I will even support her if she decides not to have kids at all (yikes! please want children!).  Most importantly, I want her to see that she is not perfect because perfection isn't real. I am trying to learn this for myself, to be brave enough to admit when I'm wrong and accept it and to trust that my husband will try to be better yet accept him for who he is; forgetful at times but the sweetest guy I know.