a resolution (of sorts)

I get kind of weird about new year's resolutions. I wonder what's the point and I don't believe half the people who make them have the slightest intention of keeping them.

 I get this way about giving things up for lent too. People do it for all the wrong reasons and then they inevitably fail. I start to think I'm too good for all that. This year, I kind of want a do-over. I want to make a resolution with myself to use a new year as a chance to start over and change a few things.  

What am I starting over? Everything kind of. 2012 was great, don't get me wrong. I gave birth (and rocked it), I have smiled more than ever in my life watching my little girl develop her personality, I've been more successful on the career front than I ever would have hoped and we were able to take care of some debt despite the $800/month paid to daycare. 

So, I want to start over myself. I was the only thing I didn't like about 2012. I didn't lose the baby weight like I should have. I didn't exercise. Like, ever. Maybe twice. I didn't cook as healthy as I know I can (I like to cook healthy food but I was just too lazy and cheap). And, most of all, I wasn't a good wife. I'm going to work on me and hope that Joe sees it. He thinks I'm too reactive and I get upset too easily so I'm going to work on that. Damn, that feels honest and embarrassing at the same time. 

I've already started and even though I began my day dragging loads of boxes to the street because I didn't want to nag Joe, it felt good that there wasn't a fight. I rejoined the YMCA and I am going to find time to go. I actually like exercising (as long as I am not cold, hot, bored or being yelled at). I'm getting my thyroid removed on the 14th. I'm going to focus on watching my body very carefully as I transition to synthroid to make sure I am not too irritable with others as my energy fluctuates. 

When I glance up I see a lot of "I's" but don't let that confuse you. I Me is going to be mostly focused on Emmy, Joe and work but I'm going to keep myself in the back of my mind, making sure I remember why my resolution to be healthier and more laid back will help me have more fun with my family. 

  

christmas pictures

Last year, Joe and I decided to do 5 Christmases in 5 days so that we could see everyone since we knew that we would not do 5 Christmases in 2012. And then we did. 

We do love our family and it was hard to tell them no. But by the end of the Holidays, we were exhausted and decided to be more proactive in next year's planning (we'll see).

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Our first Christmas was in Huntsville with Joe's dad's family.

This is the only pic I have, which I stole from my sister in law, It's Emmy with her Bell, the talking dog from Hallmark. I think I loved this more than her!

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On Christmas Eve we drove to Centre to join Joe's mom's side of the family. They live on Weiss Lake so we went outside to take a few pictures and well, they didn't go too well. 

Believe it or not, this look wasn't even directed at me. I don't know what happened, I just looked at the camera and these were their faces. I laughed hysterically, then regrouped for one good one.

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Then we drove back home and met my sister and brother-in-law to make cookies, watch Home Alone and drive around looking at lights. Courtney takes the most amazing pictures and it's always so hard to choose which ones to post! 

Emmy loves her Uncle Alex but that doesn't mean she's going to share her apple!

She stayed up way too late. All the traveling got her schedule off and this is her happy as a clam at 10pm. 

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My dad and his wife came over Christmas morning with Courtney and Alex. We had to wake Emmy up at 10 so we could open presents with her! I might have been more excited about her new toys than she was. 

But she did love getting into her daddy's stocking (check out her hands)!

and... my favorite gift of all was what me, Courts and Alex got for Joe: karate lessons!

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We left to go to my mom's house around lunchtime. Mom loved holding Emmy while we opened our presents. In all the chaos of ripping presents and tossing bows and ribbons, Emmy fit right in. She just crawled all over it tossing ribbons behind her. 

The whole family at the table... except Courtney who didn't make one single picture because she took them all. I guess next year she's going to have to get a tripod for that camera!

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Our last Christmas was back at our house on Thursday night with Joe's dad and sister. We had a blast with all of our family but I think next year will have to be a little different. Joe and I need to focus on our little family and make sure that we do what we want, not just what everyone else asks us to do. 

This was still one of my favorite Christmases of all time. I imagine it only gets better as they get older and more aware of what's going on. I can't wait until next year!

making the marriage thing work

There are a lot of blogs that talk about families.

I started this blog to keep a scrapbook/memento of my first child. It's fun to write about her milestones, how she makes me so happy and how fun it is to be a mom. 

What I've noticed is that nobody talks about how hard it all is. 

I never wanted to put my personal stuff on the internet. I only talk about my relationship with my husband with close friends and select family. The thing I wonder is, if more of us talked about the difficulty of marriage, would we not find that we are all having the same problems? Isn't a good marriage worth working at? Worth countless compromises, talks, and negotiations? 

My husband is my best friend and we spent the first 7 years of our relationship being affectionately selfish little kids. Doing what we wanted with or without each other and having lots of fun. Enter baby. She might be the best kid in the world but we can't be selfish anymore. We have responsibilities.

Joe and I started what we call "dealz with the devilz" (which must be said in a ridiculous gollum-like voice) to start a conversation about wheeling and dealing responsibilities. Who is going to feed Emmy, bathe her, change her diaper, put her to bed, wake her up, play with her (you get the idea). We sometimes miss our "me" time so we try to make deals so that one of us gets to watch tv or surf the internet while the other one gives Emmy attention. I hear a lot of, "well I did this so you have to do that". I can respond by bringing up money and bills. Argue what's fair based on what I did earlier in the day. We get frustrated because things aren't always working out "fair". 

Our friends are mostly still single or newly-married, without kids. They still have a night life and are kind enough not to write us off just because we have a kid. But you can't find a sitter in less than 24 hours. So one of us has to stay home. We wheel and deal about that too.

It was getting to the point that our marriage was a bargain. 

Everything had a value, a cost and a reward. It was making me sick and I started resenting my husband. I wasn't innocent but how do you stop something like that? 

I am literally asking that question. We have talked about it. We are both unhappy and want to get out of the rut but it's so hard. My mom suggested that we both just give 100% instead of looking for 50. I think that's good advice but I already feel like I've spent 100% by the end of the day. Maybe it will be better when we have Emmy back in daycare full time and I get focused on work. Maybe it will get better when we have more kids and get zero "me" time. Maybe we just need to focus on giving Emmy the most we can so it's not about us at all.

In the end, all that matters is that she is happy and her parents keep working at it, making the marriage thing work.