spring, please hurry

Only a few days ago I went into panic mode and cleaned the whole house. I disinfected everything, swept, vacuumed, mopped - our house looked so clean. It's almost spring and no germs were going to get us now! It was warm, the sun was shining and then winter came back like a bitch. It always sneaks up on me for some reason. I guess I just don't have the attention span for the weather section of the news. 

I just woke up in a hot sweat, my throat parched and all snotty because my husband felt a chill and turned the heat up to 100. I had already put up the humidifiers and at 3am I was sneaking in and out of Emmy's room like a ninja to get her humidifier filled and on. I still can't breathe, but I'm determined to fight it off with water. Sometimes I love the unpredictable nature of weather but I'm really not a fan of highs in the 70s and overnight lows in the 30s. Is it like this everywhere? I think Alabama is just cruel sometimes.  

Winter is usually my favorite time of year but this one has been brutal. Emmy's pediatrician said that he hoped Emmy could make it to the summer without another ear infection or else he would recommend getting tubes. I don't want that for her although I am not really against it either. I am just so over her being sick all the time and carrying everything from the daycare home. 

We are also planning two vacations in the next 4 months and I am so excited about little adventures and a change in scenery. We are going to the beach in April with my side of the family. I have literally purchased a whole summer wardrobe with lots of bright colors and smocking for Emmy to wear and not a single thing for myself. She just looks so cute in everything! 

Check out this cutie: (SEERSUCKER AND RUFFLES. I die.)

In June or July we are going out to California (LA) to visit Joe's sister. She's an actress/model/dancer (jealous!? I am!) and has a free place to stay. I'm really excited about attempting the plane, layover and taxi with a toddler. No sarcasm here, I'm ridiculously optimistic about this stuff. Plus, Emmy loves her Aunt Ash (maybe because they look so much alike) and they never get to see each other so this will be good quality time for them. 

I'm also just excited that we can afford to do it. Joe and I NEED a vacation. Taking off work for colds, flus and stomach bugs are not relaxing. We haven't had a trip together since we returned from our honeymoon in May 2011 so this is definitely past due. Now, all we have to do is get healthy, make some money and save everything so we can have an awesome spring and summer. Only 8 days left of winter! 

not the babysitter anymore

When I babysat I spent my time playing with the kids, laughing, breaking a few rules then busting it to get the house clean before the parents got home. I was always exhausted but I loved it. I figured that's what it would be like when I had kids. Most of the time it is, but now I'm responsible for discipline too. I'm confident we can handle raising a respectful child but my goodness, the challenge for me is surprisingly, myself. I have a great relationship with my mom now but there was a time when we fought a lot. I give credit to our close relationship now to our ability to communicate. She tells me her thoughts, I tell her mine, and we listen to each other.  Sometimes, we disagree, but we respect each other and we try not to hurt each other's feelings.

This is hard to do with a one-year-old but I know what she wants. The other day, I actually hurt her feelings. I bought some organic, whole grain kid-sized chicken nuggets. She is fighting people food so hard and I was excited for her to taste it. I cut it up in small pieces, handed them to her and smiled with excitement until she started throwing them to the dog. WITHOUT TASTING IT FIRST. 

I told her NO. I shook my head and blocked her hand so she couldn't toss them. She looked me right in the eye and screamed. I was pissed. I took a little one and pushed it into her mouth. BIG mistake. She started crying and held her hands up for me to hold her. I could tell that I had hurt her feelings. I turned away and finished cooking her side dish. I didn't want to console her for bad behavior but I knew what I did was wrong, too. I disrespected her decision not to eat.

Most of the time I am patient with her, allowing her to explore her boundaries (and the fridge), keeping an eye on her to prevent her from getting hurt. She has a sweet and happy heart. Sometimes when she does something I think is bad (like feed the dog), I let it go because she giggles and her laughter makes me and Joe so happy. There is nothing more important than that, so we'll have a fat dog for a while. We still tell her no but we don't get angry.  She has time to learn the rules and if she doesn't we'll just feed her less until she decides she doesn't want to share what she has.

If I am learning anything in my first year of motherhood, it's that everything has a way of working itself out. You don't have to be a perfect mom, you don't have to do anything you don't feel is right, you don't even have to listen to your friend's or parent's advice on how they raised their kid. If you love your child and you trust your instincts, you will be a good mom and your kid will be good too. 

Everything I think I have learned with Emmy might be different the next time around, and I should warn my friends about that. I love to give advice and I cherish any I get from friends. But sometimes I get advice and I think, "nope, not how we do it". I trust my instincts, and Joe and I know Emmy better than anyone. We know how her little heart is so full of joy and her behavior, progress, and health are ours to monitor.

***

Oh, and here's a piece of useful, non-judgmental advice!

This is how I learned to teach Emmy how to use a straw... I thought this was instinctual like bottle sucking. I put a straw in Emmy's mouth and she bit it then laughed. She pulled it out and water went everywhere - more laughing. I kept introducing the straw but she always just chewed on it! One day at my mom's house we gave her a juice box. I squeezed the box while the straw was in her mouth and then she instinctively began to suck. She was so excited I decided to let her hold the box, which she then death-squeezed and the juice went everywhere. 

happiness

The Happy Movie

Joe and I watched a documentary called "Happy" tonight. We were about to turn on Indiana Jones for the 100th time but a coworker had recommended this about a year ago so we gave it a shot. You should definitely watch this movie. It is (not surprising here) about happiness and what really makes people happy. Is it money, success, fame, family? Yes and no. What I got out of this is that it's dopamine. And, to get that dopamine pumping, you have to exercise, be kind and compassionate, love and laugh. 

It's weird how I know that exercise will make me happier yet I never feel like doing it. I think that goes back to doing exercise for the sake of losing weight. I don't like that. In this movie, people weren't "working out" they were surfing, gardening, running, hunting and playing games. I loved walking around London, New York and DC. I enjoyed watching people and being surrounded by the beautiful architecture. I love to ski. Every chance I have ever had to ski I have done it all day, until my arms and legs were jello and then I got up and did it some more. Everyone needs to find something physical that they enjoy doing and make it happen. I'm going to have to find something new since skiing and walking aren't so fun in Alabama.

I've always believed that happiness was mostly perspective. My job isn't particularly glamorous but I find ways to be happy about it. i like my coworkers, I like my freedom and I like getting to know new people all the time. It's hard work. It is stressful and there are many times I have to tell people bad news. But it wouldn't be work if it was all good. The documentary focused on poor people who were found to be very happy with what they had. They put such a large emphasis on their family and the love they shared made them happy. One guy's job was to literally run barefoot on rocky and dusty roads carrying up to 3 people in a cart behind him. He was so happy because this job allowed him to provide for his family and he was proud of that. 

There were also bits about how Japanese people work so hard that they have become the world's unhappiest population. Denmark ranked as the happiest population and the documentary gave credit to free healthcare and education through college as well as a fairly common communal living practice. I would love to visit Denmark and see what else it might be, I'm not buying those reasons. 

When other people have talked about being depressed, it has always been hard for me to relate. The closest I came to being truly depressed was shortly after I had Emmy. It was a case of "baby blues" exasperated by the hormonal ups and downs caused by breast feeding. I made the decision to quit breast feeding so that I would be happier. It worked and I can look back and laugh at myself for being so sensitive. I'm not going to post advice for people who are legitimately depressed for this reason. 

I do think that the movie left one thing out: that the key to happiness is also to look forward. It was a common factor that linked many of the happy individuals. They talked about their future, their goals, who they wanted to be and what they wanted to do. People who focus on the past can't find happiness. If you think about the mistakes you made, the things you did or didn't do, the things you were not given or the love that you didn't have... you will not find happiness there. You can only find it by deciding that your past cannot hurt you now. You can be anything you want to be today and tomorrow is always a fresh start.