not the babysitter anymore

When I babysat I spent my time playing with the kids, laughing, breaking a few rules then busting it to get the house clean before the parents got home. I was always exhausted but I loved it. I figured that's what it would be like when I had kids. Most of the time it is, but now I'm responsible for discipline too. I'm confident we can handle raising a respectful child but my goodness, the challenge for me is surprisingly, myself. I have a great relationship with my mom now but there was a time when we fought a lot. I give credit to our close relationship now to our ability to communicate. She tells me her thoughts, I tell her mine, and we listen to each other.  Sometimes, we disagree, but we respect each other and we try not to hurt each other's feelings.

This is hard to do with a one-year-old but I know what she wants. The other day, I actually hurt her feelings. I bought some organic, whole grain kid-sized chicken nuggets. She is fighting people food so hard and I was excited for her to taste it. I cut it up in small pieces, handed them to her and smiled with excitement until she started throwing them to the dog. WITHOUT TASTING IT FIRST. 

I told her NO. I shook my head and blocked her hand so she couldn't toss them. She looked me right in the eye and screamed. I was pissed. I took a little one and pushed it into her mouth. BIG mistake. She started crying and held her hands up for me to hold her. I could tell that I had hurt her feelings. I turned away and finished cooking her side dish. I didn't want to console her for bad behavior but I knew what I did was wrong, too. I disrespected her decision not to eat.

Most of the time I am patient with her, allowing her to explore her boundaries (and the fridge), keeping an eye on her to prevent her from getting hurt. She has a sweet and happy heart. Sometimes when she does something I think is bad (like feed the dog), I let it go because she giggles and her laughter makes me and Joe so happy. There is nothing more important than that, so we'll have a fat dog for a while. We still tell her no but we don't get angry.  She has time to learn the rules and if she doesn't we'll just feed her less until she decides she doesn't want to share what she has.

If I am learning anything in my first year of motherhood, it's that everything has a way of working itself out. You don't have to be a perfect mom, you don't have to do anything you don't feel is right, you don't even have to listen to your friend's or parent's advice on how they raised their kid. If you love your child and you trust your instincts, you will be a good mom and your kid will be good too. 

Everything I think I have learned with Emmy might be different the next time around, and I should warn my friends about that. I love to give advice and I cherish any I get from friends. But sometimes I get advice and I think, "nope, not how we do it". I trust my instincts, and Joe and I know Emmy better than anyone. We know how her little heart is so full of joy and her behavior, progress, and health are ours to monitor.

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Oh, and here's a piece of useful, non-judgmental advice!

This is how I learned to teach Emmy how to use a straw... I thought this was instinctual like bottle sucking. I put a straw in Emmy's mouth and she bit it then laughed. She pulled it out and water went everywhere - more laughing. I kept introducing the straw but she always just chewed on it! One day at my mom's house we gave her a juice box. I squeezed the box while the straw was in her mouth and then she instinctively began to suck. She was so excited I decided to let her hold the box, which she then death-squeezed and the juice went everywhere.