About a month ago I wrote this post about how becoming parents changed our marriage dynamic. The more mobile Emmy became, the more we had to do to keep her entertained. Feedings and diaper changes became more of a pain and we negotiated on these responsibilities.
So I wrote about it. I let Joe read it first to make sure it was okay. We had talked about the problem so he wasn't surprised. He didn't even offer up a solution but said it was fine to post. I'm not surprised about that or saying I expected him to say or do something remarkable right after a blog post. Things kinda stayed the same for a little while. We didn't bargain but we weren't enjoying the responsibilities either.
Then I had my thyroid removed. I was in the hospital for 24 hours and my mom kept Emmy so we had a break. The doctor told me I couldn't lift my baby for a week. A WEEK!? I couldn't stand the thought of her clinging to my legs and me not holding her. I was in so much pain though, I knew I wouldn't be able to do it for a few days. In fact, for a few days I couldn't do much. I was on some strong pain meds and I was exhausted so Joe took over.
He did everything, taking Emmy to and from school, feedings, diaper changes, packing her bag, giving her a bath and rocking her to sleep. All I could do is help by physically being there, having a diaper or wipe at the ready, fetching towels and clothes and heating up the bottles. And you know what? That was the answer. We were both participating in everything.
Joe needed to take control, I needed to let go and we needed to do more together. It's hard, but we try not to look at our phones, tablets, or laptops from 5 until 7:30 when Emmy goes to bed. She gets our undivided attention and we have family time. We help each other out at bath time and when she has to be dressed (she now HATES getting dressed and screams/cries the whole time) so we laugh about it so we don't fight or start crying ourselves.
We went weeks without a deal. Now it's mostly paper/rock/scissors or little trades but it's not nearly as bad as before. I would be lying if I said I don't keep track of who does what. I just bite my tongue as often as I can and we don't bark out our accomplishments when we want to get out of something (most of the time).
With Emmy learning to walk any day now, we are about to forfeit even more time but I think changing our minds about how we see time with her was the first step to being better parents. She is so fun, so happy and as her personality develops... she has become so opinionated. She knows what she wants and she has a determined spirit(the nice way of saying by-God SHE WILL HAVE IT NOW). So, we are working on that too.
I guess my point is that all couples are constantly "working" on their relationship... working on communication, responsibility, honesty, etc. But kids do add a stress factor. They are financially, emotionally and physically exhausting.
And yet, there is not one thing I wouldn't do for my daughter. I would literally throw myself in front of Voldemort (Lilly Potter style) to save her and I never, not for one moment regret having her. Children are amazing. She makes me feel whole and her laughter is the best sound I have ever or will ever hear. I have never been particularly religious but I pray to God everyday that he will let me keep her and watch her grow old and let me die first please.
Yet I remember too that Joe is my best friend. He's the best dad, his heart is always in the right place and I look forward to our future. We have plans to travel when our kids graduate high school. We will take them places too, of course, but we will not let our kids become our entire life because our job is to raise them to adulthood and help them develop strong minds and hearts and then let them go. So we have to be there for each other the whole way so that in the end, we will still be married and our kids will be able to find their way without worrying about either parent's happiness or security.
Then, as my mom often does, we will bribe them with food and free babysitting so we can do it all over again.
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